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WPC Book Club
The Price Of Privilege
Part 2 Discussion Questions
February 7, 2008
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1. “A child who
consistently gazes into loving eyes, into eyes that notice and take
pleasure in his uniqueness,
is being helped to develop a healthy sense of self. (pg 64)
Any strategies to help
us continue to look at our maturing children with the same “eyes of
delight” as we did when they were infants? What are the
obstacles-personal/societal?
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2. “The danger of the culture of
affluence is … the ways in which it interferes with the development
of a sense of self.
…parents’ demands for achievement have all but crowded
our kids’ internal push toward autonomy. It is hard to develop an authentic sense
of self when there is constant pressure to adopt a socially facile, highly
competitive, performance-oriented, unblemished “self” that is
promoted by omnipresent adults.” (pg 65)
Comment
on peer pressure experienced by both parents and children and its influence
on superficiality in relationships and sense of self.
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3. “…outstanding
children are those who have developed a “self” that is
authentic, capable, loving, creative, in control of itself, and
moral” (pg. 66)
Schools
are increasingly recognizing students for exhibiting
respect/tolerance/peace etc. Can
more be done day to day/by peers as well as teachers/parents/counselors to
recognize “real achievements”?
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4. “When children are
denied the opportunity to figure out their own values, desires, and
interests, the outcome is often a despairing dependency, the antithesis of
healthy autonomy”. (pg
71)
How do
we as parents recognize the times we need to step back and let our children
figure things out for themselves?
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5. “Self-efficacy is the
belief that we can successfully impact our world. Unlike self-esteem, which is concerned
with judgments of self-worth, self-efficacy is concerned with judgments of
personal capability …more likely to contribute to healthy emotional
development…has a strong correlation with + outcomes for
children. …refers to beliefs;
agency refers to actions. …the more we feel that we are able to exert
control effectively…, the more likely we are to act
effectively” (pg
71)
Did
these terms offer any new insight into evaluating healthy emotional development.
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6. “Anxiety and its
frequent companions, over involvement and intrusion, combine to
make…children hesitant to actively approach a world that the parent
portrays as dangerous and …limits children’s natural eagerness
to try out new and challenging experiences. …by forcing myself to tolerate anxiety and separation, we both get
the opportunity to discover and develop new skills for dealing effectively
with challenge.” (pg
74)
Does
this heightened parental anxiety relate to birth order, the US media
sensationalized coverage of societal/health “dangers”,
etc. Should we be as afraid of our
children lacking a firm sense of autonomy, as we are danger lurking on
every corner?
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7. “…learning frustration
tolerance means that our children have to be frustrated, learning impulse
control means that some impulses must be denied, and learning to delay
gratification means that kids can’t have everything they want. …our primary responsibility is
…to make certain that they develop a repertoire of skills that will
help them meet life’s inevitable challenges and disappointments.”
(pg 76)
Comments
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8. “…the teen who has learned to
self-regulate is at much less risk of substance abuse than the teen who
still depends on others for regulation.
Part of the human condition appears to be the successful resolution
of conflicting desires, both within ourselves and between ourselves and
others. We need to keep our eyes
wide open and act on failure in self-regulation without delay.” (pg 80)
Was
this same sense of urgency to act on “major failures in self
regulation” conveyed in any of the other presentations you’ve
attended in our Mental Health Awareness campaign? Can you share with those of us that may
not have attended any warning behaviors you learned or any other insights
gleaned?
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9. “…the culture of affluence, with its emphasis on
appearances, keeps already insecure adolescents in a perpetual state of
worry about their clothes, skin, and …their bodies. He (Cowger)
rates eating disorders as “the most underrated problem” among
affluent girls” (pg 85)
Comment
on U of Minn study re role of regular family
dinners on decreasing eating disorders in girls, not boys
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10. “Being so intensely
preoccupied with body image takes energy and attention away from the task
of developing empathy and focusing on the needs of others” (pg 85)
What
are ways to encourage our children to develop a “generosity of the
spirit”?
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11. “While large parts of how we parent remain
constant—our love, our support, and our willingness to
discipline—the form they take varies according to the intellectual,
emotional, and psychological needs and capacities of our children” (pg94)
Comment
on the challenge in adjusting our parenting style to the various ages of
our children while still being “fair” in their eyes. Explore the particular challenges of
disciplining the emotionally/developmentally handicapped child.
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12. “Because
of our high, and frequently unwarranted, levels of worry…many
…are losing touch with the intuitive side of parenting” (pg
97)
With
all the parenting magazines and Nanny 911, isn’t it good to be
reminded that parenting is primarily an intuitive process? Are we
reminding our children to listen to their intuition?
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13. “Adolescence is a time for working on
independent living skills, refining a sense of self, and expanding
interests and abilities free from parental intrusion while certain of
parental oversight, concern, and availability.” (pg 98)
What
are some innovative ideas to develop independent financial management/self
sufficiency skills that could be focused on in the pre-college years ?
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14. “
…parents …were under the impression
that the child who hits needs as much attention and reassurance as the
child who gets hit. As a result
there was a huge increase in bullying, as parents tried to “get to
the root” of why their child was so angry as opposed to disciplining
their child” (pg
104)
Has
this been your experience with early bullying? Has bullying, including
“cyber” bullying, been impacted by the anti-bullying
programs in your district? Recall, Bullying:
The act of intimidating a weaker person to make them
do something; domineering, tending to browbeat others. 15% of
students are either bullied, or bullies themselves. WPC blast 1/08
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15. “Once a child forms a
negative impression of himself, it is very difficult to change.” (pg 107)
Once a
child starts school, “labeling/put downs are often out of the parents control.
Does anyone have some constructive ways to prevent/positively
influence this while promoting the child’s autonomy?
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16. “It is this ability
to stand in another’s shoes that parents need to harness in prosocial ways to help their children control the
psychological damage they are now (8-11 yrs) capable of inflicting when
they behave in antisocial ways” (pg 111)
What is
the role of home chores and extracurriculars like
Scouting, church service and mainstreaming in instilling character?
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17. “An important
research finding for children during this developmental stage (ages 10 to
12) is that girls are given more negative feedback than boys, both at home
and in the classroom ” (pg 112)
Comments/Why
do you think this is?
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18. “Because brain plasticity remains
high in adolescence, it is an opportune time for parents to help their
children master self-regulation skills.
Encouraging independence while monitoring behavior helps teens to
develop a more capable brain.” (pg 115)
Are
most adolescents given a curfew and what are the consequences if they fail
to keep it?
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19. “Humor can be a great
tonic to the sense of rejection we (parents) are likely to experience as
our kid suddenly act as if disowning us could quite possibly be the single
best solution to all their problems” (pg 116)
Has
humor worked for you?
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20. Kids this age (12- 14 years) are
in need of adult supervision because too much freedom leaves them
vulnerable to their own underdeveloped judgment…kids who start
experimenting with drugs or alcohol in early adolescence are at heightened
risk for substance abuse later. It
is important for parents to work at maintaining connection with their young
teens in spite of the protest, and even rejection, typical of this
age. Eye rolling passes, but the
protection that parental involvement confers lasts a lifetime” (pg 116)
Does this present a dilemma for the working parent esp
in summer/after school when the adolescent would frown on a
babysitter yet some adult supervision is needed? What are good ways to maintain this
parent/child connection?
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21. “…parents who
can tolerate some criticism
from their teens are imparting a valuable lesson: that one does not have to
be perfect to be okay.” (pg 117)
Is
there any current literature, play, music that reinforces this valuable
lesson?
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22. “Not unlike the
toddler, the adolescent needs a few good friends, a safe environment, and
parents who are willing to get out of the way. …We need to be just as interested
in the child who is trying to fly on her own as we were in the child who
needed a copilot” (pg
119)
Comments
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23. “Parents need to have clear expectations and appropriate
consequences as they help their teenager learn how to manage difficult
situations” (pg
122)
What
consequence might you give or deem appropriate if you found an illegal
substance in your 16 yr old’s nightstand
for the first time?
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24. “Treating our teens
like inexperienced adults … rather than as recalcitrant children
helps to keep the channels of communication open.” (pg 123)
Comments
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25. “…our well-documented tendency to pressure our
children to perform at the highest levels certainly affects the quality of
our connection with them, and our pressured and fast-paced lifestyle often
results in our physical or emotional exhaustion, making thoughtful
discipline decisions impossible” (pg
124)
What
can we do to minimize our own exhaustion and the exhaustion of those in our
community like single parents for the best disciplining of our future
generations?
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26. “In order to
approximate the parenting style considered optimal for children of all
ages, we need to understand that both connection and discipline exist along
a continuum, and that where we fall on this continuum significantly impacts
our child’s emotional development.” (pg 124)
Comments
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